Tuesday, December 30, 2008
2008, you were a strange year for me. You started out bad. I was in a relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons. The first three months of you, I was miserable and depressed. Then something crazy happened on March 16th--I was free.
2008, you brought me many firsts. You were the first year in which I have been single for the majority of the year since 2001.
2008, you were the first year I flew on an airplane alone to visit a friend in San Diego for the first time.
2008, you marked the first time I visited New York and went to a Broadway Show with my dad and cousin.
2008, you were the first year I drove myself to the airport, parked my car, got on a plane to Chicago, took the subway train downtown, and went to a graduate school open house on my own.
2008, you were there the first time I ended things with a guy after 3 months of dating when I had a feeling things just wouldn't work out.
2008, you helped me realize that being on my own wasn't so bad and that there were a lot of things I actually enjoyed about being single and living on my own.
2008, you helped me discover my hobbies like crocheting, reading, and writing.
2008, you gave me back my friends I thought I had lost and you brought me closer to my family. You made me realize that those are two things that I cherish deeply and could not live without.
2008, you helped give me the push I needed to pursue grad school and the confidence to know that I will do it.
2008, you helped me find an amazing therapist who has helped me grow as a person and tackle issues I never thought I could talk about with anyone. I am so blessed.
2008, you were an amazing year. You have taught me so much about myself and others. I know sometimes I may have been angry at you and I didn't always understand why you put me through the things you did, but now I realize it was all for a reason. I love you so much for what you have represented for me and while it is bittersweet to say goodbye, I know that we must part ways.
I can't wait to see what surprises await me in 2009!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I was most impressed with the cupcakes Gale brought in. So impressed that I had some fun with Photoshop this morning. Take a look below.
These are just regular chocolate cupcakes topped with icing and sprinkled with chocolate and crushed candy cane.
I love the cupcake stand she used. It really does add a lot to the presentation and it's actually the entire reason behind why I even bothered to photograph the cupcakes in the first place. The only drawback that I can see is that the display is far too pretty to eat because the cupcakes haven't even been touched!
You can purchase a Wilton Cupcakes 'N More Dessert Stand at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for a mere $19.99. Use a 20% off coupon and you'll save an extra $4.00 before tax. It would be a great addition to any occasion--birthdays, holidays, weddings, anniversaries, you name it.
I also got a $10 Starbucks giftcard from my manager, which was very thoughtful. I love how everyone knows just how much I love my Starbucks in the morning. I broke down and bought Starbucks coffee to brew at home just to cut back on my weekly spending. I could easily drop $20 a week on Starbucks, no kidding. If I'm lucky, I'll get a few more in my stocking!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Today in therapy I discovered that I am a people-pleaser. Well, actually it's more complicated than that. At almost any cost, I will say or do things in order to comfort and make someone else feel better, when the actual person who needs reassurance and comforting is me. Case in point: I think I'm dating some guy when said guy begins complaining to me about not feeling desirable to other girls. I could have said--"I'm a little confused, I thought that we went on a date and now you're talking to me about other girls like I am a friend. If that's the case, we can just be friends"--or one of the other straight-forward snappy comebacks my therapist throws into the suggestion box that sends me reeling into a fit of laughter. But instead of saying how I actually feel, I end up reassuring him that whoever he is talking about must have bad taste because I, for one, like nice guys.
But don't even get me started about whether or not he is a nice guy because I am still debating. Deep down I think he is and perhaps that is the problem. A nice guy who recently got a divorce and knows all about how a bad relationship is and can explain to me in detail why it failed and what it takes to have a good one. Holy Mother of God, I think, he is speaking my truth! Every word that comes out of his mouth I have experienced and I can't believe there is a man out there who truly comprehends what it takes to sustain a relationship. Communication, openness, compromise, truth, yadda yadda--hearing those words makes me feel as though someone finally gets it.
Except he doesn't because he is a hypocrite. I have a lot of sympathy for people and maybe he's just going through something right now. I mean, a divorce is a big deal but he admits that he chooses bad partners, women who he wants to rescue or help. Then when they realize he's too nice and that the comfort of a good relationship is too boring for them, they leave. It's hard for me to have that much sympathy though because while he's wasting his time complaining about a past relationship and a woman who wrecked his life, and the bad decisions he made by even choosing to be with her, he is ignoring the fact that there is a beautiful woman on the other end of the conversation who has a lot to offer and who any guy would be lucky to have (umm... hello, me! (^_~).
So, this is the point where I take what I learned in therapy and I use it. I tell him let's cut through the bs (yes, I said that!) nobody needs friends who live an hour and a half away. Besides who's kidding themselves because friends don't kiss, or cuddle, and they especially don't sleep next to each other. I tell him that I can't do any of that with him anymore because I like nice guys and I want to find a nice guy to be in a relationship with, but I know I'll end up getting my feelings hurt if we continue down this path. That seriously took a lot of balls because like I told my therapist earlier today, I hate rejection which is why it's so hard for me to tell the truth sometimes.
It got a bit quiet on the other end, but he finally broke the awkwardness by saying that he understood where I was coming from, which was a nice thing to say. The weird thing is I actually do feel a little bit better knowing that I was able to tell the truth and it was okay. Not only that, but I was able to recognize what I needed to do in this situation to make myself feel better and to avoid what I inevitably knew would happen. I can't do the casual fling thing and especially not with a guy who is genuinely sweet and caring. That makes it even more dangerous because his actions easily come off as meaning so much more than what they actually do.
I want a guy like that, but I also want a guy who isn't still stuck on his ex and who is able to form healthy relationships with women who are in a healthy place in their lives. I too am guilty of having a past of codependent relationships, but no more. I'm done with trying to change men and help them become the person I want them to be. It's a waste of time and effort, and I'm done with it. If a guy can't see that I'm freaking amazing, then I don't want to waste my time and effort chasing after him or being sad and broken-hearted when it's more than obvious that he doesn't return my same sentiments. I'd rather be alone and save myself the drama and heartache.
Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without therapy. Being able to speak my inner-dialogue and have someone tell me that I make sense is one of the best feelings ever. Even better is learning to trust the voice inside my head and to follow through and do things differently so that I'm not making the same mistakes over and over again. The last thing I want is to be where I was a year ago. Being single is difficult for me because I actually enjoy serious relationships, but its a million times better than being in a bad relationship.
The reason I am in therapy right now is because it is probably the only thing keeping me from making the same mistakes again. Until I can trust 100% that I can do it on my own, I'll continue to be in therapy. It is a gratifying feeling, however, to know that while being faced with the same issues I was faced with a couple years ago, through my work in therapy I am now able to make better choices and outcomes for myself. I hope that those choices will lead me to where I want ultimately want to be in life.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Threadless.com is another neat website I really enjoy. The concept behind Threadless is that people can submit t-shirt designs in hopes of having their very own design created. The designs are voted on by the Threadless community (basically anyone who has registered account).
If your design is chosen, you will receive all kinds of cool stuff! You earn $2,000 for your design in addition to a $500 Threadless giftcard and an additional $500 each time your design is reprinted. Even if you are not an artist, you still have a chance at earning some extra cash by submitting t-shirts slogans. If your slogan is printed, you get $500.
Right now Threadless is having a big sale. This is the best time to get tees for $5, which is a steal! They also have $10 and $15 tees. But hurry fast before your size runs out (which trust me, it will)!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I apologize in advance to those who fail to see the humor in my offensive messages. If you take a look at the website, you'll understand where I got my inspiration.
Monday, December 8, 2008
In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Tina Fey admits to joining Weight Watchers to lose 30 lbs before stepping in front of cameras on Saturday Night Live. It is a strange comfort to know that looking good does not come at an easy price for all celebrities. Even Janet Jackson has admitted to the little-know fact that she hates working out. If celebrities hate working out, just like I do, and if celebrities must work hard to get the bodies they desire--then why would it be any different for me?
For starters I don't have a nutritionist, a chef, my own home gym, a personal trainer (oh wait, maybe I do) or countless other resources that celebs have at their disposal. I also don't like getting up early in the mornings, I'm too tired to workout after work, I hate cooking, I hate counting calories, I'm busy, and oh did I mention that I don't have time?! While I'm pretty sure most every working adult feels this way, there are still people out there who manage to fit eating healthy and working out around a hectic and busy work schedule--so what room do I have for excuses?
I am aware that the media glorifies a slender ideal for women. I am also aware that it is the job of actresses, musicians, models, and any woman in the public eye to look good. Undoubtedly, even Sarah Palin probably underwent a make-over before announcing her candidacy for V-Pilf in the last election. Logically, I know all these things and yet I still want to be thin.
I don't feel like I carry unreal expectations anymore. I no longer expect myself to be able to maintain a waifish 115 lbs. For some that may be possible, but not for me. I simply want to be back at a weight where I feel confident in my own skin. I want to be able to go shopping and actually enjoy dressing my body instead of trying to hide it. I want to be able to see pictures of myself and not want to cry. I want to be able to go out on dates and have good-looking guys notice me.
I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for satisfaction. Until I find satisfaction with my body, I know I won't be 100% happy and whole on the inside. So no more excuses, it's time to commit to my goals and make this happen. Wish me luck!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
Sex On Fire
Best Rock Song
Sex On Fire
Best Rock Album
Only By The Night
My friend Lee introduced me to this band back in March of this year. They are absolutely amaaaaaaaaazing and their Grammy nominations speak volumes about their new album. This is by far one of my new favorite groups. They've been around for awhile but are just now starting to get the media attention and recognition they deserve.
Check out their myspace where you can listen to songs from their new album, "Only By The Night."
My favorite tracks on the album include: #1 Closer, #3 Sex on Fire, #6 Revelry, #10 Be Somebody.
My favorite lyrics are the opening to the song Revelry: "What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine, put the fire in my bones with the sweet taste of kerosene."
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Threw my jeans in the dryer before I left for my trip. Big mistake. They shrunk and felt two times tighter than I could wear comfortably, but I wore them anyway because they were the only jeans that I currently fit. I don't even fit into last year's "fat pants" that literally used to fall off of me and expose my rear end to the entire world. By the time we hopped off the plane and stepped onto ground once again, a series of sharp pains in my stomach ensued and they did not stop there. In fact, I spent my entire Thanksgiving doubled over in pain.
The following day, most of the pain had faded, but I embarrassingly had to roam the entire Millenia Mall with the top button of my jeans undone because I didn't want a repeat of the previous day. I tried to find jeans that fit but no luck there. As my mini-vacation continued on, the voices inside my head didn't get any nicer. I was consumed by thoughts of failure in my healthy eating/exercise plan, feelings of overall unhappiness with my figure and outright rage towards my jeans--the source of how this whole problem began. At one point I even thought maybe I was pregnant and seriously considered buying a pregnancy test! Surely that would explain my bulging belly and unexpected weight gain.
I didn't understand it. I'd been working so hard--exercising more and eating better than I had in an extremely long time. It all felt like it had been for nothing and rather than lose weight I had gained weight. This time, I couldn't blame the scale for "lying" to me. This time it was my clothes telling me straight up--"you no longer fit into us. Time to get a size up." Even my dad, who is normally the one feeding me negative thoughts, took the opposite route and told me "it takes time to lose weight." Fine, I get that. But seriously to think I gained weight after all my hard work? That's a slap in the face.
To make matters worse, when I returned home and uploaded new pix from the trip to my computer, my jaw nearly hit the desk. That is what I look like? A year ago, I was so tiny I felt like I was disappearing. Yes, I may have been very unhappy at the time, but if this is the cost of happiness then I seriously question if it's worth it. I've always had issues with self-esteem, but when I was at my heaviest, it was dangerous. The voice of "Ed," a catchy abbreviation which stands for eating disorder, was back. And today it finally happened, I fell back into my disease, one I had been mostly free from for more than two years. I choose not to see my relapse as a failure, but as a sign that not all is right. What worries me most is that I won't be able to turn around those negative voices so quickly.
So here I am at a fork in the road and I need to figure out which direction to take. Do I continue to focus my energies on weight loss, or am I like the recovered alcoholic who learns the hard way that "just one drink" will quickly turn into a chain of events that lands him right back into his disease once again? I ask myself the same question David Carr addresses towards the end of his book, The Night of the Gun, which focuses on his addiction and recovery from drugs and alcohol--"why [had] I flopped around for three years before admitting I was right the first time when I said I was powerless over alcohol"? Replace "food" with "alcohol" and you've got me.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Why is there such a obsession in Hollywood with odd-ball and attention-grabbing baby names? Don't celebrities already attract enough attention? It's pretty obvious that many celebs crave the limelight, but are they setting a path for their children as well? Only time can tell. As for me? I'm sticking with names that are rare but beautiful, classic and timeless. For a girl--Lily Carmen. For a boy--Porter. Well, for now anyway...
And Ashley Simpson's name of choice? Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Barf, barf, and triple barf!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
What I do know is, I see a lot of women in my same position. I think back to the classic argument of nature versus nurture, and I still cannot pinpoint what it is that makes women so different from men. For some reason, many of us find it impossible to walk away from a bad relationship. We want to fix these men and pray that through our own love, understanding, and guidance we can help guide that transformation along. Wrong. 100% dead wrong.
The problem is not them, it's us. There's something hardwired in our brains that tells us we deserve this. Maybe we came from a family where our mothers were treated similarly, or maybe we felt abandoned, abused, and neglected. When you're used to that, you don't know the difference between a good relationship and a bad one--all you know is familiarity.
Dr. Drew constantly reminds me, through the calls he receives on his radio show, that women like myself are attracted to men who remind them of the things they once found terrifying in childhood. Trauma, he calls it. I call it bad luck. Bad luck that for every 10 guys you are attracted to, 9 of the ones who seem like nice guys will only end up leaving you stranded in the Taco Bell parking lot, half an hour away from home (yes--that almost happened to me). Or worse yet, that they will spoil you with attention for 3 weeks, confess their undying love for you, and then leave you at the drop of a pin when their ex-girlfriend that they complained about for god-knows-how-long, proposes to have a threesome. That's love right there, folks.
You see, that's where it gets tricky because in the beginning these so-called nice guys always put their best foot forward. But within a few short weeks their true personalities start to show through--farts and everything. There's nothing you can do but be aware of your unhealthy attraction to jerks and go for guys that seem slightly less appealing--the real nice guys. If that sounds like settling, it may seem to be at first. Nice guys aren't going to have the sexy long hair, pick you up on their greasy motorcycles, or make you play cat-and-mouse games that drive you up the wall but leave you feeling oh-so-satisfied at the end. Nope, those things simply won't be there. But nice guys will take the time to listen when you want to talk things out, make you soup when your not feeling so well, and opt to stay in with you rather than go out for a night with the guys just because. Besides, aren't those the things that really count?
So, what I've learned is that instead of putting myself through more painful scenarios, I need to sit back and try to focus on the things I want out of life. Marriage, children, a house--a loving family. Time is of the essence, they say. At the ripe old age of 25 I may have years ahead of me, but what I lack is patience. However, one must learn to be patient because while I recognize that I don't want to spend my better years like the stereotypical old cat lady (except that I have a dog and I crochet instead of knit), I also recognize that I don't want to waste my time being in an unfulfilling relationship that's headed down a road to No-wheres-ville either.
I guess that's the difference between the women who find themselves in good relationships and those who find themselves in bad ones. I always thought that other women were just lucky, but the truth is they made a choice. They put a price on their own self-worth and chose not to accept any less than what they deserve.
While it may seem hopeless at times, at some point you have to decide for yourself--what am I worth? What will or won't I put up with in a relationship? What things do I have to have? For many, being alone is a frightening idea, but it also gives you a chance to reflect on yourself, get to know yourself, and build yourself up to the best version of you that you can be. If you treat yourself right then others will follow by example.
Sometimes our biggest strength comes from the times when we feel our weakest, but it's always there waiting in the reserves for the moments in life that will test us. Maybe that moment's now, or maybe it's further down the road. The only real advice that I can offer is that whenever that moment comes, you will get through it. Life always has a way of working things out.
So ladies, do yourselves a favor and ditch the loser, turn towards your family & friends for support, and remember that life goes on. And who knows, Mr. Right could be waiting around the corner, and if you delay, you just might miss him.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Connect to a music so deep
How can you live a life on the surface
When your always hiding under the sheets
You have a talent for
Creating music that has truth and meaning
Without actually meaning to
Music's what brought us together
But what sets us apart
Is that the emotions I feel are more real
Than the hours you spend laying down new tracks
I have more realness in my pinky toe
Than you have in your entire body and soul
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Exciting things are happening. The next couple months will be a busy time for me as the holidays approach. For Thanksgiving I'm going to Orlando to spend the holiday with my dad's side of the family. Then December will be filled with holiday parties. My work throws a beautiful get together at the owner's home complete with appetizers, dinner, desert and a fully stocked bar. Then on the 6th of December, Darcy and I will be planning a holiday party at her & Randy's place. I think we're going to make it a cocktail party. I'm not thrilled about dressing up, but I love putting together holiday themed menus. I already have an idea for one appetizer (fig & jam goat cheese crostini). It may sound gross to some, but the flavors of fig & goat cheese fit right in with the holidays.
On top of all that, two of my best friends from my high school days will be arriving back in town around the middle of December. Emma's flying in from Germany, and Jackie is coming back from Japan. We're all going to get together and probably head to our favorite townie bar--the Vid. It'll be like a big high school reunion. We did that last year and it was so much fun. I love being able to catch up on old times. Jackie also mentioned the idea of going to Chicago for New Year's Eve. I am so excited at the prospect of spending New Year's somewhere new! Although come to think of it, I've spent a few New Year's in interesting places other than Bloomington--one in Peru, one in Pasadena (Cali), and one in French Lick at the casino.
Apart from having a hectic social schedule, I have been really trying to make time for myself. It's strange to think by the middle of this month, I will have been single for 8 months. That is seriously the longest I've been single since I was 18, and at 25 years old, that's saying a lot. It's strange to know myself outside of the confines of a relationship. Not that I find a relationship confining at all--at least not a healthy one. I guess that is the purpose of my singlehood. For a long time I was in an unhealthy relationship (1 1/2 years) and that wasn't even the first. I think the more that I begin to trust myself and listen to my instincts, the better I will be at evaluating future relationships.
My desire for intimacy and closeness is strong, much stronger than my need to be independent. But I no longer consider that due to the fact that I am scared of being alone. I've been on my own awhile now and I've become pretty accustomed to it. In the end, I realize I much more prefer the company of myself to the company of the someone who is not a good fit for me. And while it may sound strange to others, my ultimate life goal is to raise a family of my own and to be both a wife and mother. It's not that other things don't interest me--I have lots of interests. I guess I just like the idea of family. More than anything, I want to be a positive role model to my kids. I want to give them the things I didn't have as a child and I'm not talking material possessions here. Also, I have a strong maternal instinct. I like being a caretaker and a nurturer. Those roles come very naturally to me.
But for now, I'm working on myself. I'm developing a relationship with myself for the first time ever, and asking myself what it is that I want. Today I just wanted to come home and relax, read my book, and write. In the long term, I'm considering what kind of career I'd like to pursue and looking into graduate schools. I'm considering whether I want to stay in Indiana, or even in Bloomington. I'm trying to work on my self-esteem by working out, eating healthier, and turning negative self-talk into positive. I'm spending time with the people I love and care about--my friends, my family, and my dog. Right now, my life feels complete once again, and I am happy with that.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
You've come to this juncture in your life merely because something in you kept saying you deserve to be happy.
You were born to add value,
to add something to this world,
to simply be the best that you can be.
Every single thing you've been through,
Every single moment that you've come through,
Were all to prepare you for this moment right now.
Now you get that you are the creator of your destiny.
Imagine what you can do from this day forward with what you now know.
What will you do with the moment?
How will you seize the moment?
No one else can dance your dance,
No one else can sing your song,
No one else can write your story.
Who you are, what you do, begins right now...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Waiting to explode
Or maybe I will implode
I feel myself getting stronger
I am no longer the thing I feared
The girl that was weak
Afraid to speak
I have made it this far
With only myself to rely on
It would have been so easy to give up
Live more lies
Instead I chose to cry
You didn't deserve me
You deserted me
I deserted you
Neither cared enough
To see this through
It was rough
and still is
I fell in love with the pieces of you
That reminded me of him
Or him of you
Your passion for my passion
Only yours was stronger
More brilliant, more explosive
I wanted to embody that passion in you
Share with you
Get high off you
But when fakeness turns to fashion
And the evening's high wears off
The morning reveals the lies
Washes off the dirt and make-up
Of what we were
Of what was
The truth is that destiny will not
Let me explode
Delay would have been easier
And I am no longer wasteful
So I quit waiting
And starting moving on
Leaving behind the remnants
Of that old atom bomb
Thursday, October 23, 2008
A SOULFUL RELATIONSHIP
By Rev. Ronald McFadden
If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.
Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong?
Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).
Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice email.
Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.
Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the i.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Conventional resolutions often fail to do us much good because they were never really designed for us in the first place. The best resolutions are based on thoughtful, heartfelt consideration of what would make us happy. But all too often, we assign ourselves instead to accomplishments or self-improvement tasks approved by other people. We end up working hard (at least for a little while) on things our friends, bosses, partners, parents or our culture at large say are right for us. As well intended as such resolutions might be, they lack the natural appeal and profound meaning that self-generated resolutions can hold. So our first step in the resolutions process is to take a compassionate, nonjudgmental look at ourselves and ask what we really value. Where are we truly energized to focus our energy in the coming months and beyond?
Consider the difference between the following two scenarios: In the first, someone strides up to you and blurts out, “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” Depending on your personal style, you might feel angry, confused, upset, scared, defensive or some combination of these. Now imagine that another person approaches you and asks in a kind voice, “How are you doing?” When you respond, this person listens, nods and shows interest. How do you feel now? Clearly, the second interaction would be far more pleasant, and you would be more willing to share your true thoughts and feelings with this person than with the first.
It is this attitude of open-minded acceptance that you will need to maintain — no matter what you unearth during the “discovery” phase of your resolutions work. Your goal is simply to become keenly aware of those sometimes-faint internal voices that speak your truth.
For example, there is little purpose in following someone else’s advice (directly stated or implied) that you climb the corporate ladder “to provide for your family” if your inner wisdom tells you that what your family needs is more time (than money) spent together. So begin by listening only to your own inner voices, to what resonates as true in your heart and mind, to what your soul tells you is meaningful and right.
Hearing these voices clearly amidst all the external voices we’ve listened to throughout our lives can be difficult, but it’s a little like dealing with a bunch of socks that have been jumbled together in a washer: Initially, those socks are so snarled and intertwined that they’re impossible to sort out. But as you separate them and lay them out, it becomes easier to see what goes with what.
Begin by removing all distractions, sitting down, closing your eyes and listening to your quiet inner voice. At first, you may hear only murmurs, or you may hear an enthusiastic, overeager chorus, each voice trying to out-shout the others. Invite the voices to settle down, and visualize yourself separating them and laying them out neatly in front of you. What have they been telling you that you haven’t yet heard? As you consider the following questions, remember to keep your focus on awareness and observation rather than criticism and judgment.
- How do I define myself? Does this match how others see me?
- What parts of me (good or bad) am I ignoring or denying?
- What values are most important to me?
- Are those values and parts of my life being honored by the way I am currently living?Am I “stuck” somehow? Where, and why?
- What internal or external obstacles stand in my way?
More from Cheri Huber
There Is Nothing Wrong with You (Keep It Simple Books, 2001)
How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be (Hay House, 2000)
Saturday, October 4, 2008
But I know that feeling because in my life, I've only made a few great friends. The ones I can say I truly love and care for.
Everytime a great friend leaves its like a stake in the heart.
Feelings of inadequacy follow. Questions like, "Why am I still here?"
Guess it's all part of growing up.
I just don't understand why all the best ones have to go.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I may not have wrote to you tonight
But I thought about you
Isn't that always the case anyway?
I thought about getting away from this place
I wondered if you might want to go with me
Or if our journey ends here
That's the hard part about it
When you never really know
Today at my desk I daydreamed
About beautiful white gowns
Sticky sweet cake with thick white icing
Everything smothered in deep orange
And then there's you
But maybe that's just coincidence
(Skip a bunch of BS)
Here I am now
Happy and different
There's still things missing though
I'm ready to get away
There's a few good entries after that. Skipping those...
You make me nervous
Like someone I cannot touch
I remember our first dates
I had so much to say
I was nervous but I could still speak
Now I am comfortable but still nervous
I am silent because of both
But also I fear now more than before
That every word that passes my lips are non-sense
And that what will then follow is humility
You see, approval means so much to me
It is how I take direction in life
Sometimes I don't think I even know myself
So why would I want you to know me?
I am so needy, so terribly needy sometimes
I would drive you insane
I need reassurance, constantly
Sometimes I find myself completely depressed for no reason
And I have major, major issues from childhood
Emotionally all I want is for someone to care
And to remind me that maybe what I am is good enough
I want to be loved so much I will never have to question it
I want to say what I feel and not feel stupid
I am always full of doubt when it comes to you
I don't feel like I am getting enough
I need more affection
I need more attention
I need you to be interested in me
and ask me questions about me
You say you want to know everything about me
and then you never bother to ask
What is that?
I don't feel right
I cannot open up to you
I cannot even have a great conversation
Maybe we are like two puzzle pieces that just don't fit
They look like they fit but they just don't
Everyone says when they meet that special person
They just know and feel that in their hearts
I just don't know
I've felt that way the whole time
I like lots of affection. I need that. Why can't there just be moments where we lay around to cuddle and talk about life and abstract things? I don't think Nahum likes to do that. I feel like maybe its just not right. If I feel this way now, how am I going to feel months from now? I want someone to love me with their whole being. If they feel that way, but never express it, then what's the point?
I like a guy that likes to be touched and held. I'm so good at that. Kissing him today after that whole argument was like kissing a brick wall. He had no expression on his face. There was no passion.
I guess the point I take from all of these is that the theme seems to be the same. Sure, I wrote a couple really great entries where I felt completely happy and in love, but then my thoughts begin to take a completely different path and I never got off that path. It seems to me that my mind has been sending off warning bells for awhile now, telling me that things simply don't feel right with Nahum. I felt that even pretty early in our courtship but I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that is the mistake I made and the lesson I will learn this time around. There were things I knew I possibly didn't like about him, but I continued seeing him anyway. I didn't always listen to the thoughts in my head. Not to say there aren't good things about him because there are, but I would never feel completely fulfilled or happy with the relationship as is.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My therapist said that the reason he thinks I don't like to be alone is because I don't like myself. I watched a video of myself back in high school and realized just how much I hated myself then. I had to question whether I was the same person then as I am now. In some respects, yes, but in many, no. I feel so much better about how I look these days and even how I interact with people, but I still have my moments (many, many moments) of self-doubt and confusion.
Sometimes I think I would just be happy being married and having a family. I know that is one of my big goals in life. It's not something I want to rush because I want to be with the right person. I read the other day that marriage and children are the result of a good relationship. It makes a lot of sense. You can't go into a relationship expecting these things, they merely happen as a result of the relationship you have.
Tonight G asked me what excited me here in Bloomington. I cannot really think of anything. The last exciting thing I did was go to Radiohead I guess and before that I had a few exciting nights like when Jazz came into town and all of us girls hung out. I think a career in event planning would be great, but the more I even begin to think about that, the more I start to get nervous and think maybe I won't be good at it or maybe I won't enjoy it. It's frustrating. I wish I could just settle into something.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
A lot of things changed for me 5 months ago. I got out of a brutal and agonizing relationship that was anything but healthy. Not only did I lose a huge piece of myself, but I also lost a lot of friends along the way. I didn't know how to get out. I can't even describe the fear that was in my heart. I started going to church, just searching for some kind of meaning in my life. I needed hope. Then one day, my prayers were finally answered and by a true miracle I was finally rescued. All I know is, I couldn't have done it on my own. Everything that happened since that day only helped make me stronger and see things for what they really were. From that day on, I never turned back, and I cannot believe some of the wonderful things that have happened since.
I tend to be pessimistic and sometimes I really forget all the great things in my life. It's so easy to focus on the negative. Thinking back to were I was 6 months ago, or a year ago, really puts things into perspective.
So anyway, that is a brief back story. It's getting late, but I will write more later.