Saturday, August 23, 2008

Broken Up

I broke things off with Nahum. I felt and still feel like my decision was the right one, but last night my anxiety was driving me up the wall. I could not stop thinking about him. I began to get sad that I would not have him in my life. But what does he represent to me? Maybe just the possibility of having someone meaningful in my life. Or is it him, as a person, that I fear losing? After looking through some of my journal entries that I wrote while we were dating, I feel like I may just have made the right decision. I want to post some excerpts below.

I may not have wrote to you tonight
But I thought about you
Isn't that always the case anyway?
I thought about getting away from this place
I wondered if you might want to go with me
Or if our journey ends here
That's the hard part about it
When you never really know

Today at my desk I daydreamed
About beautiful white gowns
Sticky sweet cake with thick white icing
And orange
Everything smothered in deep orange
And then there's you
But maybe that's just coincidence

(Skip a bunch of BS)
Here I am now
Happy and different
There's still things missing though
I'm ready to get away

There's a few good entries after that. Skipping those...

You make me nervous
Like someone I cannot touch
I remember our first dates
I had so much to say
I was nervous but I could still speak
Now I am comfortable but still nervous
I am silent because of both

But also I fear now more than before
That every word that passes my lips are non-sense
And that what will then follow is humility

You see, approval means so much to me
It is how I take direction in life
Sometimes I don't think I even know myself
So why would I want you to know me?

I am so needy, so terribly needy sometimes
I would drive you insane
I need reassurance, constantly
Sometimes I find myself completely depressed for no reason
And I have major, major issues from childhood

Emotionally all I want is for someone to care
And to remind me that maybe what I am is good enough
I want to be loved so much I will never have to question it
I want to say what I feel and not feel stupid

I am always full of doubt when it comes to you
I don't feel like I am getting enough
I need more affection
I need more attention
I need you to be interested in me
and ask me questions about me
You say you want to know everything about me
and then you never bother to ask
What is that?

I don't feel right
I cannot open up to you
I cannot even have a great conversation
Maybe we are like two puzzle pieces that just don't fit
They look like they fit but they just don't

Everyone says when they meet that special person
They just know and feel that in their hearts
I just don't know
I've felt that way the whole time

I like lots of affection. I need that. Why can't there just be moments where we lay around to cuddle and talk about life and abstract things? I don't think Nahum likes to do that. I feel like maybe its just not right. If I feel this way now, how am I going to feel months from now? I want someone to love me with their whole being. If they feel that way, but never express it, then what's the point?

I like a guy that likes to be touched and held. I'm so good at that. Kissing him today after that whole argument was like kissing a brick wall. He had no expression on his face. There was no passion.


I guess the point I take from all of these is that the theme seems to be the same. Sure, I wrote a couple really great entries where I felt completely happy and in love, but then my thoughts begin to take a completely different path and I never got off that path. It seems to me that my mind has been sending off warning bells for awhile now, telling me that things simply don't feel right with Nahum. I felt that even pretty early in our courtship but I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that is the mistake I made and the lesson I will learn this time around. There were things I knew I possibly didn't like about him, but I continued seeing him anyway. I didn't always listen to the thoughts in my head. Not to say there aren't good things about him because there are, but I would never feel completely fulfilled or happy with the relationship as is.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Who am I?

So again I am left wondering--what do I want? Who am I?

My therapist said that the reason he thinks I don't like to be alone is because I don't like myself. I watched a video of myself back in high school and realized just how much I hated myself then. I had to question whether I was the same person then as I am now. In some respects, yes, but in many, no. I feel so much better about how I look these days and even how I interact with people, but I still have my moments (many, many moments) of self-doubt and confusion.

Sometimes I think I would just be happy being married and having a family. I know that is one of my big goals in life. It's not something I want to rush because I want to be with the right person. I read the other day that marriage and children are the result of a good relationship. It makes a lot of sense. You can't go into a relationship expecting these things, they merely happen as a result of the relationship you have.

Tonight G asked me what excited me here in Bloomington. I cannot really think of anything. The last exciting thing I did was go to Radiohead I guess and before that I had a few exciting nights like when Jazz came into town and all of us girls hung out. I think a career in event planning would be great, but the more I even begin to think about that, the more I start to get nervous and think maybe I won't be good at it or maybe I won't enjoy it. It's frustrating. I wish I could just settle into something.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

First entry

So, I finally decided to start a real blog. I'm not sure if I'll let anyone read it. Maybe for now this will give me some kind of peace of mind. Basically, I am starting this because I am on the road to self-discovery. I am doing a lot of things to try to "find myself" and this is one of those things. I just want to live a happy and fulfilling life, and I guess that starts with knowing exactly who I am and what I want in life.

A lot of things changed for me 5 months ago. I got out of a brutal and agonizing relationship that was anything but healthy. Not only did I lose a huge piece of myself, but I also lost a lot of friends along the way. I didn't know how to get out. I can't even describe the fear that was in my heart. I started going to church, just searching for some kind of meaning in my life. I needed hope. Then one day, my prayers were finally answered and by a true miracle I was finally rescued. All I know is, I couldn't have done it on my own. Everything that happened since that day only helped make me stronger and see things for what they really were. From that day on, I never turned back, and I cannot believe some of the wonderful things that have happened since.

I tend to be pessimistic and sometimes I really forget all the great things in my life. It's so easy to focus on the negative. Thinking back to were I was 6 months ago, or a year ago, really puts things into perspective.

So anyway, that is a brief back story. It's getting late, but I will write more later.