Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Quotes help me live my life. Lyrics from songs, quotes from books, magazines, blog entries, or even email conversations with friends help set the foundation of who I am and where I want to be. I don't take anything anyone says with a grain of salt, and I myself am very choosy and intentional with my own words. This last week has been no exception. In an effort to remember the quotes and the lessons I am learning, I thought I'd blog about some of them here.

Find thoughts that feel good, because it is inevitable that you are going to always be moving toward something. So why not be moving toward something that is pleasing? You can't cease to vibrate, and Law of Attraction will not stop responding to the vibration that you are offering. So, expansion is inevitable. You provide it, whether you know you do, or not. The only question is, what is the standard of joy that you are demanding for yourself? From your Nonphysical perspective, it's a high, high standard.

This is a quote Jazz sent me last week. What is the standard of joy I am demanding for myself? Well, before last week, not a high standard. At least not relationship-wise. I was settling for any kind of relationship I could have with a person I had feelings for even though it wasn't my preference. I wanted to date, but he wanted to be friends that acted like we were dating. I wasn't moving towards something at all and instead I actually felt very stuck. I didn't know if he would change his mind after spending more time with me and getting to know me, or if things would stay the same. The whole thing was making me an emotional roller coaster and I was beginning to second-guess my plans for San Diego.

Luckily, I finally got the chance last week to address the situation in person and basically got what I needed out of the night/conversation. I needed to know that there was no chance. Also, I needed to establish some boundaries and cut off communication for my own good. Now I feel like I am moving in a positive direction again. I'm able to concentrate again on the things I can control, such as my career goals, how I'm going to achieve them, and what I am willing to do to get there.

But how did I get there? How was I able to embrace an attitude of acceptance? My friend Emma sent me an email last week of a testimonial she had written for her church two days later. Her timing was impeccable! Some of the things she said really hit home especially given what I was dealing with.

Jerry has been going to church all his life (and has lead me to God, which is a whole other story) but I knew that he would have some answers. He said that the reasons [tragedies happen] are beyond us and our understanding. They are for God to know, and maybe one day we will see the purpose in it or maybe we will never know. He told me that God has a plan for all of us and that we need to accept those things which we can't always find reason for, but to just have faith that they do have purpose and meaning.

This quote had a very humbling effect on me. It was as though for once in my life I was just given permission to accept. Maybe that sounds silly, but for me that is nearly impossible. I want to know the reasons behind everything. I couldn't understand why God would have me meet the "perfect guy" and yet keep me from being with him because of circumstances. To me it seemed like a very cruel joke.

This quote also made me think. Maybe there is a good reason behind why things cannot work out. Maybe God doesn't want to give me a reason to stay behind in Bloomington; maybe I truly am meant to go to San Diego.

Many, many other small things have added up to signal to me that this was the right decision. Bottom line: I wasn't getting the things I needed out of the "relationship" and if things were meant to work out presently, then they would have. I can't control the situation but I can control what I do for myself, and right now the best thing for me is to move on with my life and my plans.

I guess I'll end with another useful quote I found to help me accept my situation. Even though I wasn't having sex, it was still a "no strings attached" type relationship. Whether or not this person was genuinely a good person, I still felt at times like I was being taken advantage of. That is just as much my fault as his because I stuck around.

Men love having sex with no strings or commitment attached. It's even better if it's someone they know and trust not to sleep around. You should end it and move on. Save your love for someone who will appreciate and love you all the more for it.

Basically, I'm tired of giving up my love for free.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Hope, Future, Expectations

A favorite blog of mine approaches a subject that I often struggle with. Using some of her words, the blog forces me to ask:

Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping to produce different results or hoping that the people we're involved with will somehow get on the bandwagon and change to what we need?

Hope is strong. We all have hope about one thing or another. But hope is also an illusion that can leave you feeling gravely disappointed if you don't get what you want in the end.

Why do I keep trying? Because the thing that I want is so big, and the perceived payoff is so large, that I would do anything to get it. I see myself being 100% satisfied if I only got what I wanted. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I wouldn't need anything else. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be able to fulfill my dreams for the kind of future I want. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be happier than I've ever been. If this person gave me the loved that I wanted, I would finally feel complete.

Or maybe it is fear that there is nothing better out there. Fear that this is the best that I can get, so I had better cling on because there couldn't possibly be someone out there who has all the qualities I want and actually wants to be with me.

For me, I have to have challenges. Being single for an entire year was one of those challenges. I can mark that goal off my list and feel proud that I did it. Being single for a year made me realize that I don't need to be in a relationship and that I can exist on my own, and I am so thankful for having the opportunity to grow and realize that about myself. Ultimately, however, I realize right now that I want to be in a relationship, which is entirely different.

Being single has hardly been a fun thing for me here in Bloomington. I didn't get a chance to date around a lot, seeing as there are not many singles in my age bracket. Most of the male population here are either undergrad students, married, or in serious relationships already. Of the handful of men I have met, none have met my criteria and those who have are unavailable.

My next challenge will be moving to San Diego and being in a literal sense completely on my own. Going somewhere new where I know all of 2 people is intimidating and will definitely challenge me in new ways I hope to grow and learn from. Overall, though, I hope I have the chance to date and actually have fun with it. I have no idea what it's like to be single and date around in a mature and responsible way, or better yet be single and have single friends.

So what's the solution to the question? Well, I guess you have to let go of hope at some point if what you're doing isn't yielding the results you wanted. You have to try something different. Maybe I won't get the guy I wanted, but that doesn't mean I should lose hope complelely, it just means I should let go of him. Maybe I'll meet someone like him or better. Maybe I have a different destiny.