So again I am left wondering--what do I want? Who am I?
My therapist said that the reason he thinks I don't like to be alone is because I don't like myself. I watched a video of myself back in high school and realized just how much I hated myself then. I had to question whether I was the same person then as I am now. In some respects, yes, but in many, no. I feel so much better about how I look these days and even how I interact with people, but I still have my moments (many, many moments) of self-doubt and confusion.
Sometimes I think I would just be happy being married and having a family. I know that is one of my big goals in life. It's not something I want to rush because I want to be with the right person. I read the other day that marriage and children are the result of a good relationship. It makes a lot of sense. You can't go into a relationship expecting these things, they merely happen as a result of the relationship you have.
Tonight G asked me what excited me here in Bloomington. I cannot really think of anything. The last exciting thing I did was go to Radiohead I guess and before that I had a few exciting nights like when Jazz came into town and all of us girls hung out. I think a career in event planning would be great, but the more I even begin to think about that, the more I start to get nervous and think maybe I won't be good at it or maybe I won't enjoy it. It's frustrating. I wish I could just settle into something.