I haven't updated this thing in quite awhile. I have so many things to write about that my head is spinning. I don't even know where to begin?
Well, I suppose I'll start with my trip to California. It was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. My insecurities with myself make vacations so difficult for me. Most of the vacations I've taken in my life, I have felt so fat and disgusting that I never felt like I deserved to be there. This is true of high school vacations when I was overweight and post high school (Chicago, Peru) when I was dealing with trying to get over my bulimic tendencies. Luckily that wasn't an issue this go-round, but regardless I was feeling extremely self-conscious. Having to go out and dance, or getting gussied up in a dress and heals for a wedding definitely put me outside of my comfort zone.
I've discussed this in therapy last week and thought about it a lot more, and have finally been able to admit to myself that emotional eating has come back into my life. For the most part I think I do alright with food, but my therapist's questions got me thinking about when and why I use food. I noticed that when I get upset, my hunger goes on a rampage. And not physical hunger, but emotional hunger. I definitely noticed that this week. After an upsetting phone call, I went straight for the ice cream. Or when I'm bored or lonely, thoughts immediately go toward food. I don't think all this extra weight I'm carrying is a coincidence.
At first, I thought maybe it was just weight I gained quickly after the break-up because I was barely eating before. I think that's true, but now there is more to it. I was going out to the bars a lot, drinking lots of beer and eating bar-type food like pizza, etc. I barely go out anymore these days and I've cut back on drinking quite a bit. I became more pre-occupied with food because I wasn't loving my body, but instead of "being good" I subconsciously rebeled. Hopefully by being aware of this and talking about it with my therapist, I can figure out what my triggers are and work through some of the problems I'm having that drive me towards food. I really thought that I had moved past my food issues a long time ago, and re-visiting them does not make me happy, but I suppose this may be an issue I struggle with my whole life if I don't keep on top of it.
While I still felt self-conscious, it was less of an issue in San Francisco. I think I was riding high on my feelings of self-sufficiency and independence at my ability to navigate the city on my own. Plus, overall the city has more of a laidback feel. People from all different backgrounds and places all coming together. It's a more alternative lifestyle compared to the clean-cut San Diegoans. I love that it didn't matter what I wore because no matter what I felt as though I would fit in. Well, except for my Coach purse which I did not wear because I was scared of it either getting stolen or homeless people coming up to me because they'd think I was rich. Call me overly paranoid, but I didn't need the extra attention.
Santa Cruz was beautiful too. It was a little college town that just happens to be next to the ocean. They've got a street like Kirkwood, but much larger, filled with shoppes galore that sell clothing, home decor, knicknacks, books, shoes, and the like. It's somewhere I definitely would have liked to spend my undergrad days. Often times I am regrettful that I went to IU because I never felt like I got the true college experience, but then again I would never take back certain experiences and people I've met during my time in Bloomington. I think (and hope this is true) that no matter where you go, you will meet people that can enrich your lives. That is certainly true of Bloomington, and I hope it will be true when I finally move on to somewhere new.
I still want to talk about my plans for the future, post some pictures of the throw blanket I made for Jasmine & Ryan, and also discuss the passing of my good friend Keith, but I'm afraid I've made this entry too long and lost my focus. So I'll wrap this up and try to update again later this week.