Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Reader's Guide Question #1

Broken Open begins with this quote from Anaïs Nin:

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Have there been times in your life when you felt the pain of your own resistance to change? What did you do? Did your longing for blossoming become stronger than your fear of change? Are you in one of those periods now? If so, what are the risks of making a change, and what are the risks of staying the same?


Yes, I have felt this before a few times. Most recently, I was in a year and a half relationship that nearly killed me. Well, at least it did spiritually. I didn't want to be alone because I was scared of being alone. Instead, I chose to be with someone who treated me horribly. For that entire time, I lost track of my personal goals. It seemed like to be with this person, I had to focus my time and energy on making him into the person I wanted him to be, rather than on focusing on my wants and my dreams. All that mattered at the time was that I was with someone and not alone.

Eventually, I got sick of it. I hated the constant fighting and the person I was turning into. I was at my very worst and when I looked into the mirror I barely recognized myself. My longing to have my friends back and my freedom overshadowed the fear of being alone. I no longer cared if I was alone because I was tired of being treated so badly. I no longer loved the person I was with and, in fact, I was disgusted by him. As soon as I had the opportunity to get out, I did.

I am also going through a period of that right now. I made two goals for the new year--one to pursue my education so that I can work in my chosen career, and two to leave Bloomington. I have always, since I was in high school, wanted to live somewhere new. I almost moved after I graduated from college but ending a long term relationship and fear held me back. I don't regret those decisions because I'm certain I was not ready for the challenges ahead of me at that point in time.

However, now I feel I am in a good place. I have been single and living on my own for a year now. I've taken many steps here and there to prove to myself that I am self-sufficient and independent. I've found a school that sounds like it's got a great program and is affordable without me having to pay off years and years of school loans. Also, the location is to die for. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to live in California.

Everything seems to be falling in place, and even though I am scared to start over somewhere new where I only know 2 people, the alternative is much more scary!

The risks of staying in Bloomington:
* Stay unhappy at my current job.
* Never get the experience and education I need to pursue a career in event planning.
* Never fulfill my true potential.
* Never become 100% financially independent because my parents will always bail me out.
* Maintain unhealthy relationship w/ my father who attempts to control me through money.
* Never meeting the man of my dreams because in my heart of hearts, I don't think he's in Bloomington.

The risks of moving to San Diego:
* Financially, it's more expensive. I might end up drying up my savings.
* Feeling lonely because I won't know anyone (except for 2 people).
* The fear that I won't be able to make any new friends.
* Missing home, my family, and friends.

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