Thursday, June 4, 2009

First step towards "recovery"

Every day is a new opportunity. A new opportunity to right the wrongs, forgive yourself for the mistakes of yesterday, and start over again.

Sometimes if we play close attention "God" (as you've come to understand it) or Life is sending us signals. Last week at work, when I was searching through the candy dish up at the front desk, I noticed our administrative assistant reading a book. I asked him what he was reading, to which he held up the complete text of Alcoholics Anonymous also known as The Big Book and assured me it was something I wouldn't be interested in. Then when I asked him what happened to all the "good candy", he instructed me to go to his desk and open the bottom drawer where I found a huge bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies. Jackpot! If you recall, I referred to this binge in yesterday's blog.

Well, what I did not mention in yesterday's blog was that the binge didn't end there. When I got home, I binged on whatever I could get my hands on. I think when I tell others I am an emotional eater, anyone can relate because who doesn't want to eat a big bowl of ice cream when things are going wrong? But, I don't just eat the ice cream. I eat whatever's in sight or within hands-reach. I've eaten english muffins w/ buttercream icing on top and food out of my own garbage after attempting to get rid of it. How appealing does that sound?! I've eaten when I'm upset, bored, lonely, because I felt guilty, or simply to punish myself. When I say that I have an emotional eating problem, that's a simple way of putting it because it's sooooooooo much more than that.

That night, I ate several bowls of cereal until my stomach was so full that I wanted to puke, and then I did. Words cannot explain the loss of control one feels on top of the guilt, shame, and complete disguist. I felt so lost in that moment and in the moments leading up to it. I realize that this problem is no longer in my control at this point. I need to do something about it and quick because I can't keep doing this to myself. I've tried reading my books on intuitive eating, binge eating, and eating disorders. I've tried talking about it in therapy. I've tried asking others for advice and writing about it in my blog--but nothing I've tried has worked.

So, inspired by my co-worker, I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting last night. Had I not seen the AA book in his hands that day, I don't know that I would have spent the entire next day on the OA website researching the program and looking up meetings. For the first time, I made a decision on my own without asking someone else what they think I should do (not even my therapist!) and for that I am proud. Sure, I could talk about this more with my therapist, but honestly he doesn't have experience in helping people with eating disorders. On top of that, I'm getting ready to move soon and OA is free, which will give me some time before I leave to pay off my therapy debt.

I look back at last week when my co-worker held up the AA book and said it was something that I wouldn't be interested in and think, "Wow, how wrong was he!" It's exactly what I needed. The meeting went great, but I will give up the details tomorrow in a new post. xoxo!


  1. That is so strange. Right here on the bottom of my computer screen I have the address to an OA meeting in La Mesa. I've never gone, but I know I've always needed to.

    I agree on the therapy side. Bloomington doesn't really have therapists who specialize in eating disorders (I looked alot when I live there). And, it's a particular beast that needs specialized attention. I can't wait to hear about OA.

  2. I LOVE the quote at the top! I am so proud of you for going to an OA meeting and being open to benefitting from it. I can hear the positive that it brought to you in what you typed - yeah!

    Good luck with it all - I know you will overcome it ALL even if you struggle each day. You are a strong and powerful woman and that is enough to conquer any obstacle put in your way!