Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Hope, Future, Expectations

A favorite blog of mine approaches a subject that I often struggle with. Using some of her words, the blog forces me to ask:

Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping to produce different results or hoping that the people we're involved with will somehow get on the bandwagon and change to what we need?

Hope is strong. We all have hope about one thing or another. But hope is also an illusion that can leave you feeling gravely disappointed if you don't get what you want in the end.

Why do I keep trying? Because the thing that I want is so big, and the perceived payoff is so large, that I would do anything to get it. I see myself being 100% satisfied if I only got what I wanted. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I wouldn't need anything else. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be able to fulfill my dreams for the kind of future I want. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be happier than I've ever been. If this person gave me the loved that I wanted, I would finally feel complete.

Or maybe it is fear that there is nothing better out there. Fear that this is the best that I can get, so I had better cling on because there couldn't possibly be someone out there who has all the qualities I want and actually wants to be with me.

For me, I have to have challenges. Being single for an entire year was one of those challenges. I can mark that goal off my list and feel proud that I did it. Being single for a year made me realize that I don't need to be in a relationship and that I can exist on my own, and I am so thankful for having the opportunity to grow and realize that about myself. Ultimately, however, I realize right now that I want to be in a relationship, which is entirely different.

Being single has hardly been a fun thing for me here in Bloomington. I didn't get a chance to date around a lot, seeing as there are not many singles in my age bracket. Most of the male population here are either undergrad students, married, or in serious relationships already. Of the handful of men I have met, none have met my criteria and those who have are unavailable.

My next challenge will be moving to San Diego and being in a literal sense completely on my own. Going somewhere new where I know all of 2 people is intimidating and will definitely challenge me in new ways I hope to grow and learn from. Overall, though, I hope I have the chance to date and actually have fun with it. I have no idea what it's like to be single and date around in a mature and responsible way, or better yet be single and have single friends.

So what's the solution to the question? Well, I guess you have to let go of hope at some point if what you're doing isn't yielding the results you wanted. You have to try something different. Maybe I won't get the guy I wanted, but that doesn't mean I should lose hope complelely, it just means I should let go of him. Maybe I'll meet someone like him or better. Maybe I have a different destiny.

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