My Post Halloween Update

Exciting things are happening. The next couple months will be a busy time for me as the holidays approach. For Thanksgiving I'm going to Orlando to spend the holiday with my dad's side of the family. Then December will be filled with holiday parties. My work throws a beautiful get together at the owner's home complete with appetizers, dinner, desert and a fully stocked bar. Then on the 6th of December, Darcy and I will be planning a holiday party at her & Randy's place. I think we're going to make it a cocktail party. I'm not thrilled about dressing up, but I love putting together holiday themed menus. I already have an idea for one appetizer (fig & jam goat cheese crostini). It may sound gross to some, but the flavors of fig & goat cheese fit right in with the holidays.

On top of all that, two of my best friends from my high school days will be arriving back in town around the middle of December. Emma's flying in from Germany, and Jackie is coming back from Japan. We're all going to get together and probably head to our favorite townie bar--the Vid. It'll be like a big high school reunion. We did that last year and it was so much fun. I love being able to catch up on old times. Jackie also mentioned the idea of going to Chicago for New Year's Eve. I am so excited at the prospect of spending New Year's somewhere new! Although come to think of it, I've spent a few New Year's in interesting places other than Bloomington--one in Peru, one in Pasadena (Cali), and one in French Lick at the casino.

Apart from having a hectic social schedule, I have been really trying to make time for myself. It's strange to think by the middle of this month, I will have been single for 8 months. That is seriously the longest I've been single since I was 18, and at 25 years old, that's saying a lot. It's strange to know myself outside of the confines of a relationship. Not that I find a relationship confining at all--at least not a healthy one. I guess that is the purpose of my singlehood. For a long time I was in an unhealthy relationship (1 1/2 years) and that wasn't even the first. I think the more that I begin to trust myself and listen to my instincts, the better I will be at evaluating future relationships.

My desire for intimacy and closeness is strong, much stronger than my need to be independent. But I no longer consider that due to the fact that I am scared of being alone. I've been on my own awhile now and I've become pretty accustomed to it. In the end, I realize I much more prefer the company of myself to the company of the someone who is not a good fit for me. And while it may sound strange to others, my ultimate life goal is to raise a family of my own and to be both a wife and mother. It's not that other things don't interest me--I have lots of interests. I guess I just like the idea of family. More than anything, I want to be a positive role model to my kids. I want to give them the things I didn't have as a child and I'm not talking material possessions here. Also, I have a strong maternal instinct. I like being a caretaker and a nurturer. Those roles come very naturally to me.

But for now, I'm working on myself. I'm developing a relationship with myself for the first time ever, and asking myself what it is that I want. Today I just wanted to come home and relax, read my book, and write. In the long term, I'm considering what kind of career I'd like to pursue and looking into graduate schools. I'm considering whether I want to stay in Indiana, or even in Bloomington. I'm trying to work on my self-esteem by working out, eating healthier, and turning negative self-talk into positive. I'm spending time with the people I love and care about--my friends, my family, and my dog. Right now, my life feels complete once again, and I am happy with that.