Ultra Low-Fat Gourmet Donuts

One of my favorite blogger's, PriorFatGirl, is hosting a contest to win a sample of the Holey Donuts! special arrangement. These donuts are not fried and only contain as little as 3-4 grams of fat compared to the 15-20 grams of fat in a regular donut. Also they are only 150-250 calories! I am DYING to try some!

Click here to visit PriorFatGirl's blog and enter to win!

Difficult Decisions

"In hindsight, what I needed to do was forgive myself for disappointing my parents, and let go of the guilt. I needed to just accept that they would be unhappy for awhile, and that once I did well in my career, they would come around. I just needed to trust that I made the right decision for myself, and that all would be good. Years later, I finally learned that lesson." --Stephanie Qualio, Back In Skinny Jeans

I love reading Stephanie's blog because it always manages to touch on a subject that I can relate back to my life. In ways, it is strange how this person and myself are so similar but perhaps we are all more similar than we realize. Maybe it is when we take a chance to open ourselves up to the world and admit to our vulnerabilities, that we realize we all are more similar than we are different. We all have one thing in common, and that is life. We're not sure why we're here, or what happens after life, but we try out best to live our lives well and learn from our mistakes along the way. We are all here to help each other along the way and ultimately our survival depends on one another.

So, when I read stuff like this, I don't take it with a grain of salt. I am a constant learner. While I tend to focus on my problems a lot (and I do), it's not actually about focusing on the negative for me. It's really just more of a curiosity. I am always trying to understand things and why things are the way they are. Sometimes I find an answer, and sometimes there is not a definite answer or the one I was hoping to find. Either way, I constantly am seeking enlightenment as a person. I am always trying to grow, learn, evolve. I think for me that will always be a theme in my life.

This quote is nice at a time like now. I've got the decision to make about moving to San Diego to pursue my continuing education without a lot of support from my parents. I know my mom doesn't want me to go, but she says she can't stop me (after all, her parents let her go to Mexico and Peru). My dad on the other hand is less passive. He's trying to convince me to go to Chicago where I'll be closer to home and is attempting to bribe me by offering to pay for my housing and school. He's also got my aunt trying to convince me to go to school in Florida where the other half of my family lives because at least that's closer than Cali.

My therapist assures me this is just their way of showing that they really love and care about me. I know this is true, but it's still a little frustrating. I don't like that my dad can't trust me to make the best decision for myself. Also, he undermines my ability to chose a good program and acts like he knows more about it than me when I am the one who's spoken to professionals in the field. I don't think he'll ever take me seriously as an adult unless I just do what I need to do and prove to him that I don't need his help financially. He tells me straight out that I will fail. The only way to prove him wrong is just that, PROVE him wrong.

Why Cali? I'm not really sure. I was having second thoughts about Chicago because it's too cold there. Also, I didn't feel like the program was that great. Plus, the idea of investing 40K and going into debt just did not settle well w/ me. Then while in San Francisco, I was doing some research and stumbled upon the USD program. I wasn't looking for schools in Cali, it just sort of happened. I was looking up an industry professional and discovered she did a certificate program before her Masters. I emailed her and a few weeks later we spoke over the phone. She assured me that a certificate program was the way to go.

So, again: why Cali? Well, for starters, nice weather, I always wanted to live in Cali, I've got a couple of friends in SD (and more throughout the state), and now I have a mentor there. But overall, it's just a gut feeling. I have no idea what the future will hold, but like Steph says I just need to trust that I am making the right decision for myself. After that, everything else will just have to fall into place...

Quotes

Quotes help me live my life. Lyrics from songs, quotes from books, magazines, blog entries, or even email conversations with friends help set the foundation of who I am and where I want to be. I don't take anything anyone says with a grain of salt, and I myself am very choosy and intentional with my own words. This last week has been no exception. In an effort to remember the quotes and the lessons I am learning, I thought I'd blog about some of them here.

Find thoughts that feel good, because it is inevitable that you are going to always be moving toward something. So why not be moving toward something that is pleasing? You can't cease to vibrate, and Law of Attraction will not stop responding to the vibration that you are offering. So, expansion is inevitable. You provide it, whether you know you do, or not. The only question is, what is the standard of joy that you are demanding for yourself? From your Nonphysical perspective, it's a high, high standard.

This is a quote Jazz sent me last week. What is the standard of joy I am demanding for myself? Well, before last week, not a high standard. At least not relationship-wise. I was settling for any kind of relationship I could have with a person I had feelings for even though it wasn't my preference. I wanted to date, but he wanted to be friends that acted like we were dating. I wasn't moving towards something at all and instead I actually felt very stuck. I didn't know if he would change his mind after spending more time with me and getting to know me, or if things would stay the same. The whole thing was making me an emotional roller coaster and I was beginning to second-guess my plans for San Diego.

Luckily, I finally got the chance last week to address the situation in person and basically got what I needed out of the night/conversation. I needed to know that there was no chance. Also, I needed to establish some boundaries and cut off communication for my own good. Now I feel like I am moving in a positive direction again. I'm able to concentrate again on the things I can control, such as my career goals, how I'm going to achieve them, and what I am willing to do to get there.

But how did I get there? How was I able to embrace an attitude of acceptance? My friend Emma sent me an email last week of a testimonial she had written for her church two days later. Her timing was impeccable! Some of the things she said really hit home especially given what I was dealing with.

Jerry has been going to church all his life (and has lead me to God, which is a whole other story) but I knew that he would have some answers. He said that the reasons [tragedies happen] are beyond us and our understanding. They are for God to know, and maybe one day we will see the purpose in it or maybe we will never know. He told me that God has a plan for all of us and that we need to accept those things which we can't always find reason for, but to just have faith that they do have purpose and meaning.

This quote had a very humbling effect on me. It was as though for once in my life I was just given permission to accept. Maybe that sounds silly, but for me that is nearly impossible. I want to know the reasons behind everything. I couldn't understand why God would have me meet the "perfect guy" and yet keep me from being with him because of circumstances. To me it seemed like a very cruel joke.

This quote also made me think. Maybe there is a good reason behind why things cannot work out. Maybe God doesn't want to give me a reason to stay behind in Bloomington; maybe I truly am meant to go to San Diego.

Many, many other small things have added up to signal to me that this was the right decision. Bottom line: I wasn't getting the things I needed out of the "relationship" and if things were meant to work out presently, then they would have. I can't control the situation but I can control what I do for myself, and right now the best thing for me is to move on with my life and my plans.

I guess I'll end with another useful quote I found to help me accept my situation. Even though I wasn't having sex, it was still a "no strings attached" type relationship. Whether or not this person was genuinely a good person, I still felt at times like I was being taken advantage of. That is just as much my fault as his because I stuck around.

Men love having sex with no strings or commitment attached. It's even better if it's someone they know and trust not to sleep around. You should end it and move on. Save your love for someone who will appreciate and love you all the more for it.

Basically, I'm tired of giving up my love for free.

Hope, Future, Expectations

A favorite blog of mine approaches a subject that I often struggle with. Using some of her words, the blog forces me to ask:

Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping to produce different results or hoping that the people we're involved with will somehow get on the bandwagon and change to what we need?

Hope is strong. We all have hope about one thing or another. But hope is also an illusion that can leave you feeling gravely disappointed if you don't get what you want in the end.

Why do I keep trying? Because the thing that I want is so big, and the perceived payoff is so large, that I would do anything to get it. I see myself being 100% satisfied if I only got what I wanted. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I wouldn't need anything else. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be able to fulfill my dreams for the kind of future I want. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be happier than I've ever been. If this person gave me the loved that I wanted, I would finally feel complete.

Or maybe it is fear that there is nothing better out there. Fear that this is the best that I can get, so I had better cling on because there couldn't possibly be someone out there who has all the qualities I want and actually wants to be with me.

For me, I have to have challenges. Being single for an entire year was one of those challenges. I can mark that goal off my list and feel proud that I did it. Being single for a year made me realize that I don't need to be in a relationship and that I can exist on my own, and I am so thankful for having the opportunity to grow and realize that about myself. Ultimately, however, I realize right now that I want to be in a relationship, which is entirely different.

Being single has hardly been a fun thing for me here in Bloomington. I didn't get a chance to date around a lot, seeing as there are not many singles in my age bracket. Most of the male population here are either undergrad students, married, or in serious relationships already. Of the handful of men I have met, none have met my criteria and those who have are unavailable.

My next challenge will be moving to San Diego and being in a literal sense completely on my own. Going somewhere new where I know all of 2 people is intimidating and will definitely challenge me in new ways I hope to grow and learn from. Overall, though, I hope I have the chance to date and actually have fun with it. I have no idea what it's like to be single and date around in a mature and responsible way, or better yet be single and have single friends.

So what's the solution to the question? Well, I guess you have to let go of hope at some point if what you're doing isn't yielding the results you wanted. You have to try something different. Maybe I won't get the guy I wanted, but that doesn't mean I should lose hope complelely, it just means I should let go of him. Maybe I'll meet someone like him or better. Maybe I have a different destiny.

Reader's Guide Question #3

Would you characterize yourself as a Bozo on the Bus? Why do you think we hide our vulnerabilities and self-doubts from one another? Why do we try to keep the secret of our true selves hidden, when in reality, that secret is what Rumi calls the Open Secret? And how does hiding out from one another hinder us from turning a difficult time into a Phoenix Process?

Response:

For some, it's hard to admit our vulnerabilities and self-doubts. We assume people are going to judge us or treat us differently. We all have a dark and a light. Dark sides of ourselves are the ones that we care not to share with others. It takes a lot of courage to stand up in the face of rejection. You may have to face truths that you, in fact, don't want to face at all. It's easier to live in denial. It's easier to live up to the expectations of others and make others happy before we make ourselves happy. We naturally gravitate to what's easy and this is why, I believe, we keep our true selves hidden. We don't want to be vulnerable and risk rejection or face the truth. It's safer and easier when we don't take risks.

But if you don't take risks, things will never change. You'll remain stuck wherever you are in your life that is making you unhappy. There is always an opportunity to grow and learn from a bad situation. I find that speaking with others about the struggles I am dealing with, and vice-versa, just helps me out in the end. I get inspiration and encouragement from my friends and therapist and hopefully I give it back as well. It's the little push I need to keep plowing forward.

In the end, we're all in this together. People are here to help one another, and I'm finding out more and more this is true.

Reader's Guide Question #2

We all know people who say their cancer or divorce or bankruptcy was the greatest gift of a lifetime—that until the body or the heart or the bank was broken, they didn’t know who they were, what they felt, or what they wanted. It took a Phoenix Process to teach them and wake them up. We also know people who did not turn their misfortune into insight. Instead they became more bitter, more reactive, more cynical. What do you think is the difference between these two kinds of people?

Response:

The difference is how they choose to look at things. First and foremost, it is a choice, and while the grieving stage is natural and in fact healthy, you can't stay in that stage forever. Refusing to move on is like denying yourself happiness. These people probably feel a tremendous amount of guilt and believe that they don't deserve to be happy. That's not a good way to look at things because ultimately your cheating yourself in the end.

We all deserve happiness, no matter what life has thrown our way. It's the way we work through our problems and move forward that makes us stronger. We can all learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others, but we shouldn't let our mistakes define us.

Reader's Guide Question #1

Broken Open begins with this quote from Anaïs Nin:

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Have there been times in your life when you felt the pain of your own resistance to change? What did you do? Did your longing for blossoming become stronger than your fear of change? Are you in one of those periods now? If so, what are the risks of making a change, and what are the risks of staying the same?

Response:

Yes, I have felt this before a few times. Most recently, I was in a year and a half relationship that nearly killed me. Well, at least it did spiritually. I didn't want to be alone because I was scared of being alone. Instead, I chose to be with someone who treated me horribly. For that entire time, I lost track of my personal goals. It seemed like to be with this person, I had to focus my time and energy on making him into the person I wanted him to be, rather than on focusing on my wants and my dreams. All that mattered at the time was that I was with someone and not alone.

Eventually, I got sick of it. I hated the constant fighting and the person I was turning into. I was at my very worst and when I looked into the mirror I barely recognized myself. My longing to have my friends back and my freedom overshadowed the fear of being alone. I no longer cared if I was alone because I was tired of being treated so badly. I no longer loved the person I was with and, in fact, I was disgusted by him. As soon as I had the opportunity to get out, I did.

I am also going through a period of that right now. I made two goals for the new year--one to pursue my education so that I can work in my chosen career, and two to leave Bloomington. I have always, since I was in high school, wanted to live somewhere new. I almost moved after I graduated from college but ending a long term relationship and fear held me back. I don't regret those decisions because I'm certain I was not ready for the challenges ahead of me at that point in time.

However, now I feel I am in a good place. I have been single and living on my own for a year now. I've taken many steps here and there to prove to myself that I am self-sufficient and independent. I've found a school that sounds like it's got a great program and is affordable without me having to pay off years and years of school loans. Also, the location is to die for. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to live in California.

Everything seems to be falling in place, and even though I am scared to start over somewhere new where I only know 2 people, the alternative is much more scary!

The risks of staying in Bloomington:
* Stay unhappy at my current job.
* Never get the experience and education I need to pursue a career in event planning.
* Never fulfill my true potential.
* Never become 100% financially independent because my parents will always bail me out.
* Maintain unhealthy relationship w/ my father who attempts to control me through money.
* Never meeting the man of my dreams because in my heart of hearts, I don't think he's in Bloomington.

The risks of moving to San Diego:
* Financially, it's more expensive. I might end up drying up my savings.
* Feeling lonely because I won't know anyone (except for 2 people).
* The fear that I won't be able to make any new friends.
* Missing home, my family, and friends.